Pascha

I can hardly believe that I went the whole of Lent without posting! Lent was amazing. I kept the fast for the most part which is nothing less than the grace of God. I loved the focus that Lent provided my ADD brain and not just for myself but for the whole church. Its wonderful to know that everyone else is struggling and praying and working toward the same thing you are. I tried to go to at least one weekday service each week during Lent and that helped a lot. And by the end of Lent I was noticing that my joints/fibromyalgia hurt much less too. After Pascha and the return to "normal" food I have discovered that I am allergic (or at least sensitive to) dairy products. Enough so that I am going to continue fasting from them just because I feel terrible when I eat them now.

Pascha was incredible. Daughter #2 went with me which was great. What a party! I've never been a part of such a celebration before!

Today is the Sunday of the Myrhh Bearing Women and is the liturgical anniversary of my first Divine Liturgy. I was remembering today how lost and overwhelmed I felt at first. So much has changed. I no longer feel lost but cradled.

Lent Approaches

Its been awhile since I posted. Bad blogger. No real reason for not posting other than life.
Lent is fast approaching ("fast" approaching, get it? ha ha) ...my first Lent as an Orthodox Christian. I want to make this time as spiritually fruitful as I can so I will be trying hard to observe the fast and increase my prayer and Bible reading. I will be writing about my efforts during the next few weeks. The fast will be particularly challenging for me so I plan to write out a menu each week and will post it here. There will likely be a lot of fast-related posts not because I think the fast is more important than the other Lenten observances but because I want to grow in this area and the whole subject of food is difficult for me.
Ready or not, here I go......

Thy Nativity O Christ Our God

My First Prosphora

This Sunday I will be offering the Holy Bread in honor of my daughter Rachel and in memory of my mother Virginia both of whom were born on Nov. 17.

This is my first solo attempt at baking the bread. Our priest's wife Khouria Claudia, gave a group of us, mostly converts, a workshop in bread baking a few weeks ago. I made a practice batch last weekend and it was awful! A woman at my church had also loaned me a DVD on holy bread making which I watched this morning to refresh my memory. I think this batch was much better. I could at least see the seals this time! (just not very well in this picture!)

Fasting Food

In anticipation of the Nativity fast, I ordered this cookbook. I think its going to be very helpful. In the same order I also got a prosphora seal. Our priest's wife gave some of us new converts a holy breadmaking class. (yeah, yeah Dad...it was the bread that was holy NOT the class!) The bread we made was used the next day in Divine Liturgy which was very cool. I want to make a "practice" batch at home though before I sign up for "real".
I also realized today that Thanksgiving falls during the Nativity fast which means no turkey :( I don't know why this hadn't occured to me before now but there it is.

In other news....I finally got my invite to Ravelry, a very cool new site for knitters and other yarn-y types. You can see what everyone else is working on, catalog your yarn and knitting books and lots of other fun stuff. My screen name is AuntMartha if you ever want to look me up there.

We are not alone

One of the first things I noticed about Orthodoxy was the feeling of being surrounded and supported. This feeling has intensified since my chrismation so much so that I find myself pitying other Christians who don't have it, my past self included. The tragedy of sola fide and sola scriptura is the "sola" part. Sola means alone. It leads to this "just me and God" mentality. The idea that all one needs is Scripture or "asking Jesus into my heart" seems such a lonely proposition. From the Orthodox perspective healing and salvation occur in the context of the Church. And what is the Church but relationships! Relationships with each other and with God and with the faithful souls who have gone before us.

One of the things I learned through several years of therapy, is that it is in our relationships that we are revealed to ourselves. When I'm alone I tend to think I'm pretty great but when other people are added to the equation, I begin to see how selfish I am and how far I have to go. In healthy relationships where forgiveness and mercy exist, healing then occurs.

I saw a bumper sticker this evening that reminded me of this truth. It was in the shape of a band-aid with the words "God can fix it". In many Protestant evangelical circles, translated, this means God will fix my problem and all that is necessary is for me to believe and ask. No others need to be involved. As a result so many good Christians are alone and isolated and barely hanging onto their faith. God created us to be in relationship. At Adam's creation He said, "it is not good for man to be alone". Through Christ he gave us a relationship with Himself and from that a relationship with his Church. Now and ever and unto ages of ages.

Seal!

Yesterday I was received into Holy Orthodoxy by chrismation. My heart is full of such humble gratitude for this gift. I will write more later but I just wanted to say "thank you" to all of you who have helped me on this journey.

Chrismation Date

At last! The date of my chrismation will be Sept. 8 on the Feast of the Nativity of the Theotokos!

Orthodox Moment

So, I attended a parent's meeting at church last night. Towards the end of the meeting Father introduced me to the group and I was asked about my family.....

Me: "I have a fifteen year old daughter who thinks I've gone off the deep end with this Orthodoxy stuff"
Other parents (in chorus): "You have!"

Blessed Are Those Who Hunger

There is a wonderful short article in the Aug. 2007 issue of Christianity Today (sorry, couldn't find it online yet) that fits in very nicely with the Orthodox practice of fasting.


Eat, Drink and Be Hungry by John Koessler
"Blessed are those who hunger? Hunger and thirst signal need.....How can they be a source of blessing?.....Why not, 'Blessed are the righteous?'. Hunger implies a lack of righteousness. Jesus proposal is so radical, it turns our notions of God and righteousness and blessing on their heads. He blesses what most of us would curse.
According to Jesus, when we draw near to the kingdom, it is better to come empty than full. We are tempted to think that righteousness is the condition we must be in to be blessed. Jesus says the opposite. Righteousness is the blessing; hunger is the precondition.
......Righteousness is not our natural food. As a result, we are being consumed by our appetites. Like our first parents....in the Garden of Eden.....we too long for what seems good, pleasing and desirable, but which will destroy us in the end.....So God takes steps to help us get over our taste for food that cannot satisfy. To our discomfort, the main tool He uses is hunger.

Why is blessedness associated with hunger? Because those who bring their hunger to Christ will be filled with his righteousness. Thus, righteousness must be a gift before it can become a practice. The promise of righteousness is offered to those who are empty. It belongs to those who are aware of their lack.

Righteousness works from the inside out. We usually go about it the other way around; we try to work on it from the outside in, as if it were a matter of externals. If we worship in the right building, perform the right rituals.....we are righteous. If we read our Bibles and pray in the morning, give a tithe....we are righteous.....If we are to have righteousness as Jesus defines it, we must receive it like beggars, letting it transform us from the inside."


Try to get hold of a copy. It's worth the price of the magazine.

This is just weird

This is what the rental company (courtesy of Pepsico's insurance) gave me to drive while my car is out of commission. Yes they actually gave me this big ole, redneck, 4 wheel drive, extended cab monstrosity. I realize that in Oklahoma these vehicles are practically issued to you with your driver's license but I have been fortunate enough to have lived a sheltered life and have never before driven one. And as further proof that I am living in a version of Hooterville, when I got home yesterday I found that the power was off to most of the town including the police station, the library and my house. The reason? A squirrel got into a transformer. Lovely. Apparently for a few hours, the squirrel won. Still not convinced? Okay, here's another one: a few nights ago there was fire in an empty house a few blocks from us. The only reason the fire was discovered was that the firemen smelled smoke and drove around town till they found the fire. Now that's a small town! However, even with all its quirks, this town has been good to us so I'm not complaining. Laughing maybe, but not complaining.

Life's little surprises

Guess what happened to me yesterday?

I was rear-ended by a Pepsi truck of all things. Its hard to see under the Visqueen but the impact shattered the rear window completely and also did a number on the rear door and fenders. Thankfully I got off with only a case of whiplash and none of my kids were with me. My darling husband dropped everything at a work and rushed to the scene of the crash to lend his support. And hey, its only a car after all.

Chrismation!

Happy news! Father says that I will be chrismated sometime this fall!
How thankful I am for the gift of Orthodoxy. Last Sunday at Divine Liturgy, as I looked at the icons surrounding me and the people worshiping with me, I felt a peace that I barely have words to describe. It was like being wrapped in soft blanket. I was not alone, I was supported by a community that transcends time and place. Utterly safe. Completely loved. I know feelings are by nature, transitory. I know there have been times in my life when God felt very distant and that most likely I will have times like that again. But I also know in my heart of hearts that this is more "real" than any other reality I have ever experienced.

From Father Stephen's blog today:

In Lewis’ That Hideous Strength, his character, Mark Studdock, is pictured being tempted to lose his soul through a long string of seemingly inane choices (engineered by the infernal regions), no one of which in itself seems all that bad.
Our hearts are formed and shaped in a very small crucible. The large decisions frequently come as the fruit of many much smaller. A decision to act and live with integrity, for instance, will yield many smaller results, even surprising results.

This really rang true for me especially in two areas of my life that I am trying to change.....money and eating habits. Its so easy to convince ourselves that the the little bad choices...eating a candy bar, buying yet another skein of yarn...really aren't destructive. But they are and the cumulative weight of them inexorably pulls you down.

Lost & Found

One of the many charms of living in my particular small town is that given enough rain (and believe me we have had enough!) the two main roads into town become impassable. When we moved here last year the state was in a major drought, so this is the first year we have had to deal with the legendary flooding of Bird Creek. There is a "back" route into town, but every time I asked someone for directions, I was told, "oh just follow the other cars". After three floodings this spring, I've figured it out. I worked today and coming home this evening I was forced to use the back road in. As I got into town, out of the corner of my eye, I saw this wandering around in the middle of the street I just crossed.

Now, I have a yellow Lab who has been known to chew his way out of our fence so I immediately turned around and went to investigate. It was a yellow Lab all right, just not my yellow Lab. He was friendly enough, but he was limping and was clearly injured. I managed to get him in my car and brought him home, fed him and put him in a crate we have in garage. At least he'll be safe until I can either get him to a vet or to Lab Rescue.

Liturgy and Lifestyle

When I called my Anglican priest to tell him I was leaving the church for Orthodoxy he asked me some pointed questions. I knew he would, being a good priest and anxious that I not be damaging my spiritual health by leaving for the wrong reasons. I was able to address most of his concerns however to the question “why”? I could only say “I need more”. I was not able to explain in any more detail than that and even though I tried to come up with a more lucid and better articulated explanation, all I could say is “I need more”. At the time I didn’t even know what “more” was.
Now I know.
In a previous post I mentioned how I had been drawn to the Catholic Church through reading the book Karen. I thought that it was the liturgical nature of the Church that drew me and in part that was true. I love the liturgy, the cycles of the church year. But what I realized recently is that what I have been seeking is not just liturgy but lifestyle. The amazing thing about the author’s family in Karen was not that they were Catholic but that their whole lives were lived in the context of their faith. It was deeply woven into every day, every decision. That is what I longed for. That is what I have found in Orthodoxy. A faith that is not content to stay neatly confined to Sunday morning but overflows its banks, sweeping away the debris of my soul and pouring through every crack, every corner of my life. Fasts and feasts, darkness and candlelight, the scent of incense, the taste of bread, all running together in a glorious flood that transforms the ordinary into a sacrifice of praise. That transforms me.

First Fast

So today begins the Apostles Fast with a strict fast...no meat, dairy, oil, fish or wine. I mostly did okay and then I remembered that I had butter on my waffles this morning. Does that count? And does the oil mean things cooked in oil? What about salad dressings? Are foods that have eggs as an ingredient (like pancakes) to be avoided? I still haven't been able to get with my priest for some direction. Hopefully that will happen sometime this week.

My Faith Journey....part deux

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to the story of my faith journey. Things have been crazy lately and this is the kind of post I wanted to spend some time thinking about before I write it. Let’s see, where was I? Oh yeah, I had just gotten divorced after a 20 year marriage, left the Southern Baptist church our family attended and returned to my Episcopal roots. I loved that little Episcopal Church. People were warm and accepting and obviously loved Christ. But the dissolution of my marriage had put me into a spiritual “depression” of sorts. I kept going to church, but inside I was questioning almost everything I had ever believed. Oh, I still believed in a loving God who sent His Son to rescue us. Other than that everything else was up for grabs. I had prayed for so long for God to heal my marriage, change my husband, make me more submissive. I read Scripture and claimed verses as promises from God that He would do a miracle. In the end, He not only didn’t do a miracle but left it to me to declare the marriage dead. And it was. Deader than the proverbial door nail. In the end, I came to understand that if I didn’t get out of this dead relationship, I would sacrifice myself, emotionally and spiritually, and that I had no right to deprive my children of their mother.

But I was deeply, deeply disappointed in God. To make a long story short, I spent the next several years wandering around in a wilderness not sure of what was really true or real. I felt like my faith and my church had let me down at best and lied to me at worst. During this time God gave me a very great (and undeserved) blessing….my husband Dennis. We were married in 2003.

Then last summer God shook me awake. My beloved Anglican Communion was in crisis and the Episcopal Church, the Communion’s US branch, was clearly apostate. For years I had gone back and forth on the various problems confronting the church, hearing both sides of the argument but not sure what was true. Finally this question came to me: “Do you want a God who glosses over your failings in the name of uncritical love or do you want a God who has the kind of love manifested in the desire and the power to change you?” I knew at that moment that the only kind of God I wanted to worship was the second kind. And let me hasten to add that this was clearly a work of the Holy Spirit. This question and its answer did not come from me but from God.

So I began to search for another church. I knew I needed a liturgical church so that narrowed the possibilities to two: the Roman Catholic Church and Orthodoxy. I started with the Catholic Church. Like a lot of people I thought Orthodoxy would be too ethnic and strange for this Anglophile. I read a lot of books about Catholicism, joined the RCIA class at my local Catholic parish and spent an inordinate amount of money at the Catholic bookstore. I learned a lot. I learned about sola scriptura (I had never heard of it before!) and why it didn’t work. I learned about apostolic succession and the early church fathers. The daughter of historians, I loved the connection to ancient believers. I got to know Mary and started praying the rosary. Suddenly, I had found my spiritual life again. But there were some problems, my divorce and remarriage being chief among them. I also had a hard time getting on board with papal infallibility. Although I came close at times, I never felt the go-ahead to become Catholic. I was at an impasse. I was clearly no longer Protestant in my beliefs, but neither was I Roman Catholic. Eventually, it dawned on me that I needed to consider Orthodoxy. I started my research with the Internet and Frederica Mathews-Green’s books. Then I decided I needed to bite the bullet and visit an Orthodox church. To my great surprise I found a friend from my last Episcopal church had just been chrismated there! She helped me through my first Divine Liturgy. I knew almost immediately I was home. So that’s where I am today. I can hardly wait for the day when I will join the great river of Orthodox faith that has its source in Christ, flowing down from the apostles in an unbroken stream that will continue until He returns.

My prayer corner

Here is a pic of my first prayer corner. The framed picture is one of my favorite drawings...Jesus holding a lamb close to Himself, with the nail scar on his hand visible. Underneath is the calendar my church gave me with Scripture readings and fasting rules for each day. On the table is my Bible and Divine Hours prayer book. There is also a candle that I already had and a vase of roses which I cut from this bush in my yard this morning.

Later I will add some icons and a vigil lamp or beeswax candles (I love the smell).

Show Me the Course

Steer the ship of my life, good Lord, to your quiet harbour, where I can be safe from the storms of sin and conflict. Show me the course I should take. Renew in me the gift of discernment, so that I can always see the right direction in which I should go. And give me the strength and the courage to choose the right course, even when the sea is rough and the waves are high, knowing that through enduring hardship and danger in your name we shall find comfort and peace.

Basil of Caesarea (c. 329 - 379)